[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys