Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
What?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”