@sbellelauren: pregnancy tests should just read "pregnant" or "nope just fat"
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@euanDroberts: And the Lord said to Peter "come forth and you will receive eternal life". But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
@baeblacksheep: I'm shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
@OtherDanOBrien: *I throw u a kiss* *u duck* *it flies into space* [6 bn yrs later - the planet Xargx] LORD ZARG: Kill the- *kiss hits his cheek* LZ: Aww nvm
@Elizasoul80: [slashing food truck tires] friend: wtf are you doing?! [running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!