pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
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Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Me: how are you
Friday: good
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*