PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
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nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.