PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
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exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that