*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
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The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Perfect
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well