*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
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The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Every time my phone rings
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Labreador
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
my one true gender
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts