[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
You Might Also Like
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.