Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
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I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.