[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
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[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training