Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
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My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
me working on my assignments ^-^
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Probably my best painting.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Who chose this font
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.