Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
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Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Customize Your Wedding.