Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
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[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Cinematography is my passion
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.