@dubiousrhetoric: Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
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@iamspacegirl: Ranger Station BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately ME: No way *porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*
@Manali_Shetye5: Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off. Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!
@PopSlapFunk: Fun Fact: You can be charged with home invasion and aggravated assault if you use a box cutter to break down cardboard and a hobo's inside.
@BaileyXPaige: [at the gym] Trainer: "Why don't you tell me what your workout goals are." Me: "Goals? I'm just here so I don't eat for an hour."