@dubiousrhetoric: Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
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@camelSWAG69: [walks into gym with my sunglasses on] WHATS UP LADIES *takes off sunglasses* damn it 3rd treadmill I've hit on this week
@slimmy_shady: Hot girls who complain that you can't get laid... do you live on a deserted island?
@awesomeseank: My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.
@VodkaThursday: Dinosaurs could be a lot prettier if we'd all just admit they had feathers. I mean they would still eat you, but they would do it prettily.