Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
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HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
never ask a starfish for directions