Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.