*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
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I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.