“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
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Me trying to walk in a dream
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
😅🤣😂
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
It was worth a shot 😂
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac