Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
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What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
i did the math
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
new year update: losing everything but weight
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?