[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
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Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.