[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
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Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Life cycle of cat
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.