[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
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and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
This is a true ally.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.