Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
There’s never enough good news
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
sry
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.