“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
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Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.