[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?