@TheMichaelRock: Prescription commercials are always so touching until the last minute or so when they explain how their product could kill you.
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@Marcmywords2: Hey Dad, The airport called, if you don't turn down your TV, they're filing a complaint.
@TheReal_AndyMac: I was in a 3rd grade talent show and told a few jokes. I quickly got escorted off the stage because I'm 30 and should be at work.
@stephenjmolloy: Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt. Me: Okay. Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag! Me: Put the empty safe in the bag? Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun? Me: Okay. I'll get you a pencil.
@RedheadChaos: Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation.. ~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand