Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
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If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.