No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
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We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
My boss called in sick of me
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman