“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
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Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
hi why am I like this
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.