“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
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My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.