oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
A Match(.com), but for socks.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.