PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
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My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?