Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
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How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years