[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
peak technology
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”