[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
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[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer