@philyuck: President’s Day is just a holiday invented by Presidents to sell more Presidents.
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@HoneyWooWoo: *at party* Guy: Want to dance? Me: I'm sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
@Manda_like_wine: I walked up to my 9yo and said, "How goes it?" He looks up at me and says, "God is history's greatest serial killer."
@AIMMadellynne: Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers.. If you do find one... What's your plan?