Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
You Might Also Like
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot