Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
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ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
*jazz hands*
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas