@TylerLinkin: Press 1 for English. Press 2 For shitty customer service in any language.
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@RdrJay47: Her: What brings you to speed dating? Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
@david8hughes: Me: theres a man outside fighting with water Wife: the neighbour? Me: yes Wife: is he in the pool? Me: yes Wife: again, its called swimming
@JoParkerBear: [USPS] M: *hands change of address form* C: Ma'am, this just says "bathtub." M: I live there now. C: We can't send mail to a bathtub. M: Yay