Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
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Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
i will avenge u mr van gogh
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Born to be mild.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.