Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
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Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.