“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
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my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
This anagram machine is out of order.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*