@DirtMcTurd: Press 1 for English. Press 2 for spanish. Press 1 and 2 at the same time for the latest Pitbull song
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@iGreenMonk: I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, she's still alive.
@CulturedRuffian: Her: I like long walks on the beach. Me: Is there WiFi? Her: Where? Me: The beach. Her: What?...No. Me: We should see other people.
@QwertyJones3: Uh, guys... I just heard from my doctor, and it's bad news. If you've retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
@FilthyRichmond: I'm calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.