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I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]