If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
You Might Also Like
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
What about a To-Don’t List?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
And bowling should be called pinball
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Inside you there are two wolves
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*