Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
You Might Also Like
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”