Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
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Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix