“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
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Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Why does laundry happen to good people?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.