[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.