*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
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My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
It do be feeling this way.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”