*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
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Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
WHY?!
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.