*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
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‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?