her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
bought wrong eggs
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there