ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
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“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
This is my pinned tweet
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.